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The government says paper towels count as PPE – so now we can help the NHS by running hospitals in our homes

Don't worry everyone, we're being 'guided by the science' – and that means, never ever challenging the government

Now's no time for hard questions about coronavirus – save them for when there's nothing the government can do about it

We're so lucky our government's coronavirus figures are vague, now we can just use a lottery draw for updates

Sure, 30 ventilators is on the way to 30,000 – in the same way the Co-op is on the way to Kenya